


Tidbits (DDLC Prompts and Shorties)

by Randstrom



Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel)
Genre: All The Ships, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Loss, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-28
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:21:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 15,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26149366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Randstrom/pseuds/Randstrom
Summary: Compilation of one-offs, two-offs, prompts, etc.,Variety of genres— melodrama, fluffy ships, angst, hurt/comfort, friendship, etc
Comments: 36
Kudos: 34





	1. Dummy

**Author's Note:**

> I will add warnings and such in the notes before each chapter, and try to fill out the tags as more stories are added 
> 
> Prompts accepted! I can't promise I'll get to evey single one, since this is a side project, but I will definitely read them and definitely consider them and maybe eventually get to writing them. :P
> 
> I'm willing to do angst, fluff, ships, AUs, etc, but will most likely avoid anything X-rated. Possibly willing to do crossover worlds (e.g. the Dokis as Pokemon trainers, Dokis in the world of Night Vale) but probably not crossovers involving prominent characters from other IPs.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At the recommendation of his therapist, the protagonist writes a letter to Sayori, still reeling from her death.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Starting out with something incredibly depressing, Yay!  
> (I'm sorry, I promise they won't all be like this. There's cute fluff and less-angsty drama later, I swear!)
> 
> Angst level: very high  
> AU: non-game  
> TW: mentions of suicide and grieving  
> Shipping: None

You're such a dummy, Sayori.

I know that I've called you that way too much. I know I've always gone way too far picking on you, and that I'm a huge asshole.

But this time you actually deserve it. 

I know you. You always wanted to help everyone else. You loved seeing other people smile. You must have thought we'd all be better off without you— that somehow we'd be happier.

You were wrong.

So so so so SO wrong.

Did you know there's something called suicide contagion? Apparently, when somebody has a friend or family member who takes their own life, the odds of them doing the same thing skyrocket. Especially if they're already dealing with mental health stuff.

Yuri is gone. Apparently she'd been struggling for a long time, but none of us realized.

She really looked up to you, y'know— How well you could communicate with people, and put them at ease. How you could always smile. Even if those smiles were apparently fake.

Monika disbanded the club. She can't handle being near the club room, or seeing me or Nat.

She doesn't speak to us, and she avoids eye contact whenever either of us run into her in the hallway, or in the councillor's office. It really hurts. I get that seeing us must remind her of you and Yuri, but I really wish we could all grieve together.

Natsuki isn't doing well either. I guess nobody who knew you is doing well, but you know what I mean. At first she was hostile, lashing out at everyone. She blew up really bad at Yuri and me the day before Yuri… followed you. Nat definitely blames herself. Yuri didn't leave a note either, so there's nothing concrete to disprove her with.

After that, she just kind of shut down. Most of the time she just kinda stares at the wall, but it's like she's looking past it— not at it. We talk sometimes, and see the councillor together once in a while, but she's not the same. 

I don't think I'm the same either. 

Nothing is the same without you, Sayori.

I miss you.

I love you.

-Your dearest friend


	2. Roleswap!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What if Monika wasn't the class president, and someone else was?  
> What if MC wasn't the protagonist, and someone else was?  
> A role-swap fic, requested by SoleilMeansSun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AU: Role-swap, Sayori is the protagonist of a yuri dating sim  
> Angst-level: low-medium  
> TW: Depression  
> Shiping: Kinda? but not really

Sayori grumbled, pulling her pillow over her head to dull the abrasive noise. She'd already snoozed the alarm twice— she'd probably be late if she did it again, but it was hard not to do it when it all seemed so pointless. Just sitting through class, learning nothing, and coming home every day...

She didn't do well in classes, and she only had a couple friends, so why should she go and waste everybody's time? There were other struggling students with more potential that the teacher's could spend their time helping. There were better people for Monika and Ko to spend their time talking to.

The moment Sayori decided to just stay home, the chiming of her phone changed from the _alarm jingle_ to the _incoming call jingle_. Letting out a frustrated growl, she emerged from her pillow cave and reached for the device.

Monika, her next-door neighbor and childhood friend, was calling her. With a sigh, Sayori shook her head and prepared to adopt her usual cheery demeanor.

"Hello?" 

"Hey Sayori, are you up? Can we walk to school together today? I can bring some breakfast over..."

"Oh… uh…" Sayori was about to tell Monika that she was sick, and staying home, but she'd feel bad if her friend had already gone out of the way and made something. "O-okay, just give me, like, ten minutes."

"You're still in bed, aren't you?"

Sayori grumbled playfully. "Maaaybe…"

She heard a small laugh from the other end of the line. "Alright, don't forget deodorant."

The phonecall cut out as Sayori felt a wave of insecurity. Why had Monika mentioned that specifically? Had she been noticeably smelly lately? When was the last time she had showered? It was the night before last, right? That was probably okay.

She scuttled around her room, gathering up the bits of her uniform that were haphazardly scattered about, and hastily dressed herself before running to the bathroom. She didn't want to brush with toothpaste and make whatever Monika brought for breakfast taste nasty, but she also didn't want to have bad breath, so she did her best to clean her mouth with a toothbrush and water alone. Maybe she could scurry back in here and quickly rinse with mouthwash on the way out…

By the time she was done, Sayori knew Monika would be there any second. She was about to rush downstairs when she realized she'd almost forgotten deodorant, just like Monika had mentioned. Embarrassed with herself, she untucked her shirt and applied the hygiene product.

No sooner had she capped the deodorant stick than the doorbell rang. Sayori bustled down the stairs, eager to see what Monika brought. She usually skipped breakfast in her rush to school, so it really was a special occasion. Opening the door, she found her neighbor carrying a plastic container that held a huge piece of pie.

"Whoa, pie?!?"

"Yeah," Monika smiled, "I tried my hand at baking one last night, but my parents don't like sweets, so I figured you could help me eat it."

"Haha, you know me," Sayori said.

_A fat, ugly lout with no self-control,_ Sayori thought.

Soon the pair was walking to school with full bellies, amongst other friend groups and couples. She wondered if anyone mistook her and Monika for a couple. They were awfully close, having been friends since preschool, and while Sayori mostly kept her sexuality to herself and her close friends, she wasn't making any effort to _hide_ that she was a lesbian from her classmates. Monika, meanwhile, was quite vocal during pride month events at school, even once bringing a full-sized pan pride flag to school, and walking around with it all day.

As they neared the school, Monika cleared her throat. "So have you thought any more about which club you want to join?"

Sayori groaned in response. She had thought about it, but whenever she did it just reminded her how useless she was. Just a stupid waste of organic matter with no skills or talents, or _ambition to develop_ said skills or talents.

"Sayori, you've gotta, like, _do things_ sometimes. I don't want you to become a NEET because all you do is sit in your room. You're really good with people, so I don't know why you don't socialize more…"

_Because I'd just be a burden to everyone who wasted their time talking to me._

Sayori forced a giggle and an exaggerated pout, donning a playful voice. "But Moniiiiii, that takes efforrrrrt. I just wanna go home and take a nap when school's done."

Monika's beautiful green eyes rolled in response. "Just promise me you'll actually start looking today okay? Not just thinking about it, but, like, _actually_ sitting in on meetings and stuff."

It was hard to say no to Monika. She was so nice and caring and pretty and helpful… She'd already sunk so much time and effort into the bottomless pit that was Sayori, only to be paid in disappointment… Maybe Sayori better not add to that disappointment. Maybe she better actually check out some clubs.

"Alright… I'll try it."

"Good!" Monika gave her a half hug. "You can do it."

* * *

The school day passed uneventfully. Sayori zoned out in class and barely absorbed half the information thrown at her. 

Soon enough school was over, and she sat in the classroom long past when everyone else had filtered out. She'd told Monika she would look at clubs, but she had no idea of where to start. She was too chubby and out-of-shape for any of the sports clubs. She was too dumb for the academic-focused clubs. She was too uncultured for the film club, and too basic for the anime club. What else was there? Where could she go that she wouldn't just be _deadweight_?

Sayori stared at her desk, as tears began to blur her vision, threatening to escape her eyes. Suddenly a hand slammed on her desk and brought her within millimeters of pissing herself.

"Hey there noodle head!" Monika's voice filled the room.

"What the heck, Monika?!? That was super mean!" Sayori felt moisture on her cheeks. It seemed some of the tears had snuck out in her shock.

"Oh my god, Sayo, are you okay? I-I'm sorry."

_Now I made her worry. Trash. Stupid stupid trash._

"I-it's nothing. I just… forgot to blink for a while, haha."

"Sayori…" 

The half-baked lie did little to assuage Monika's concern, but before the brown-haired girl could press any further, Sayori cleared her throat. "Anyway, what's up?"

Monika shifted where she stood, reluctantly abandoning the line of questioning. "Well… I was gonna ask you if you wanted to come to my club with me!"

Sayori grumbled. "Monika, I'll just make myself look like an idiot. I hardly read any books."

Monika sat down at the adjacent desk. "Well yeah, but books aren't the only kind of literature. I've always loved the little songs you come up with, and the fanfics you write are surprisingly good."

"Moni, there's _no way_ I'm telling anyone about those!"

"Please, Sayori? Just to try it out? Natsuki's bringing homemade cupcakes today."

Sayori's ears perked up. Homemade baked goods? It was awfully tempting… "No commitment? I don't have to come back if everyone hates me?"

"Oh that would never happen, but of course you can leave!" Monika replied with a smile.

"A-alright…"

And so Sayori found herself being dragged up the stairs in a wing of the school mostly used by third-years, led by a very enthusiastic Monika. She had to admit that having her hand held by such a pretty girl felt nice, even if she was Sayori's oldest friend.

Sliding open a classroom door, Monika gestured Sayori into the room. Inside were three other students. A boy with dark brown hair and bags under his bloodshot eyes sat at the teacher's desk, writing something in a notebook. Meanwhile, on the opposite end of the room, a tall girl with long purple hair and very shy body language was being chewed out by a much shorter companion, with bright pink twin tails, gesturing towards the boy at the desk.

Monika cleared her throat loudly and drew everyone's attention. 

"Hey, everyone, this is my neighbor and best friend, Sayori! She's gonna join our meeting today to see if she might be interested."

"I thought you said you were gonna bring a new _member_ ," complained the pink-haired girl. The sassy stance she took was _ADORABLE._

"Did I say that, or did I say a _potential_ new member?" Monika asked. 

The short girl rolled her eyes and let out an annoyed huff. "Whatever. Probably just scammed me into making cupcakes to bait her with," she muttered.

Sayori knew from experience that Monika was most likely asking these questions to cover up a fib, and that was probably _exactly_ what she did.

"So this here is Natsuki," the brown-haired girl announced, pivoting back towards Sayori. "Grumpy as ever. And there beside her is Yuri."

Purple eyes met Sayori's for the smallest moment, before they were anxiously yanked away. "H-hello. I-I'm the vice-president of the literature club. W-welcome."

The brown-haired boy stood up. "Nice to meet you, Sayori. I'm Emmet, the club president."

"Hi," she replied. "So this club's pretty new, right? Are you all the founding members?"

"Uh… well, Yuri, Natsuki and I are…" he said. Monika nodded confirmation.

"Yeah, the three of us were put together on a group project for class and sort of became friends," Natsuki explained. "Stutters McGee over here said she's always wanted to be in a book club, but the school didn't have one. She's way too shy to talk to the faculty advisors or the student council, though, so she foisted all the responsibility onto Mr. White Knight over there, and she just does all the paperwork for him. And he doesn't look like he's handling the stress too well, if you ask me."

Yuri's face turned pink as Monika shot Natsuki an admonishing glare.

"Hey, I signed up for this willingly," said the boy.

"And look at you now!" sassed the pink-haired girl. "You look like death, prez. When's the last time you slept?"

"Heh, not since the other day when I had a sort of… uh... epiphany. I thought I was holding together okay, but is it really that obvious?"

Monika nodded sympathetically. "I didn't want to pry in case it was something you're not ready to tell us about, but… you do look pretty miserable."

He let out a long sigh. "Man… alright, well I guess I do have something to discuss then. Yuri, would you mind making tea for us?"

"I-I'd love to," said the purple-haired girl. As she walked to the back of the room, Yuri let her arms down into an unguarded posture for the first time, and Sayori noticed the size of her chest. She thanked the heavens above that she wasn't an anime character, or else her nose would have erupted into a fountain of blood at the sight.

Monika poked her, then pumped her eyebrows up and down. "You useless pervert," she whispered. Even without the blood, Sayori's fluster must have been obvious.

"Shut up!" She mouthed back, blushing furiously.

Natsuki ran off after Yuri, presumably having stored her cupcakes in the closet, whilst Sayori helped Monika and Emmet push some desks into a makeshift table.

Soon enough, Sayori, Monika, Natsuki and Emmet sat around the table, a foil-covered tray in the center. Yuri was still messing with her electric kettle, heating up water for tea near the front of the room, and Natsuki kept stealing glances at her purple-haired friend that told Sayori she and Monika weren't the only queer ones there.

All three of the other girls were attractive in their own ways. Sayori wondered what it would be like to get close to one of them, in that special way…

_No, that would be selfish. I'd just drag them down._

_But maybe I wouldn't… just maybe..._

* * *

Once the tea was ready and Natsuki had handed out cupcakes to everyone, the boy cleared his throat. "So, uh, how familiar is everyone with the concept of, like, the matrix, or… a simulated reality?"

There was a long moment of silence before Monika spoke up. "You mean like, the theory that our whole universe is a simulation of particle physics, running on a computer in a much larger universe?"

"Well… that's certainly a thing, but I'm talking a bit... _smaller scale_ . We can't _see_ atoms and subatomic particles after all, or even _cells_ without microscopes and other tools, and if we were in some kind of hyper-realistic video game world, maybe the microscopes are just programmed to show us images of cells that aren't actually there, right?"

Natsuki squinted at the boy. "Emmet, are you, like, _high_ or something?"

He let out a sigh. "I really wish I was. But I'm not, and the stuff I'm talking about… I can prove it's true for our world, and that we're all artificial intelligences."

This was all too heady for Sayori. He was saying their world was fake? Did that really matter? "So… if none of this is real, but it feels real to us… then why tell us?" she asked.

He smiled back at her. "That's a good question— A couple reasons, actually. This is gonna sound crazy, but please bear with me, and I'll get to the proof in a minute. So the simulated world we live in is a video game. To be more specific, it's a yuri dating simulator. Not you, Yuri— _yuri_ as in the genre of manga and anime."

Everyone stared back at him like he had three heads. Emmet started to hold up fingers as he explained. "Okay, the first reason I'm sharing all this is that things are about to change. The game has just started today. Only some of our memories are real, where we were loaded during the game's initial setup to create realistic experiences. The rest are fake and pre-compiled to save on performance. Now that the game has started, though, we're going to be loaded in a lot more often, _experiencing_ this virtual world."

"Second, this is kinda for my own sanity. Whoever installed the game is a college student with a lot of computer science e-textbooks in their files. By processing them directly from the filesystem, I've learned how to program, and I've figured out how to manipulate this simulated world. If I don't have anyone to share this burden with, it could be dangerous for _everyone_. I'm… ashamed to say I considered deleting you all and trying to force contact with the player on the other side. But that was before I realized all of you are just as 'real' as me, just without access to the same information."

Sayori was starting to feel like this guy was deeply disturbed, and judging by the looks on everyone else's faces, she wasn't the only one.

"The third reason is that I'm not just talking to us right now. If this is a game, then the player is _watching us_ from the other side, and I want them to know that we're here. That we're not just characters, we're… _beings_ , capable of thought and emotion. I want to ask this player not to... like, _kill us_ by deleting the game." 

He looked deep into Sayori's eyes, and she felt compelled to run. "Sayori, you're the protagonist. The player is seeing the world through your eyes."

Monika stood up holding a protective arm in front of Sayori. "Alright, Emmet, what the fuck?!? With the way you're talking, it almost feels like you're thinking about shooting up the school or something. 'Deleting' people?!? Seriously!!!"

Sayori wasn't sure that was the right thing to say to the person you thought was about to shoot up the school, but with Monika's words, she saw genuine hurt in the boy's eyes. "I'm really sorry, Monika. I'm not trying to scare anybody— I just… I'm at my wit's end. I haven't slept since I had this epip`hany, so I'm doing a shit job of explaining, and the fact that we even _need_ sleep is a whole other conversation to have, but please… Let me prove what I'm saying. I promise I won't hurt anyone."

"If you try to hurt anyone I'll fucking kill you," Monika said, venom dripping from her voice. "No sudden movements."

The boy put his arms in the air in a gesture of surrender, and spoke slowly and deliberately. "Alright, this won't require me to move. I'm going to save everyone's state and load another scene. Basically, it's gonna feel like we've teleported outside. Okay, ready?"

Suddenly, all five of them were outside of Sayori's house. The afternoon sun was shining, and the sounds of chirping birds were accompanied by gasps of shock and horror from the girls.

"See?" Emmet asked, but it was drowned out by Monika screaming "what the fuck" over and over. Sayori tried to take her hand to calm her down.

He signed, and suddenly they were back in the classroom. Sayori glanced around frantically. Yuri sat on the floor, pulling at her long hair and rocking back and forth. Monika was hyperventilating, sheer terror in her eyes. It all felt like a dream to Sayori, but she tried to help her friend nonetheless. She crouched down and took the brown-haired girl's hands, trying to force eye contact and speak to her with a soothing voice. "It's okay, Moni, I'm right here."

Natsuki was apparently taking this earth-shattering news in stride as well, attempting to help Yuri on a similar way.

"Shit. I'm sorry guys, just a second," Emmet muttered, and the two taller girls seemed to come back to reality. "I just adjusted their files in a way that should make them less predisposed towards anxiety and panic… I don't like messing with people's files, but I took note of the old values so that they can be changed back once the shock wears off." Gradually, everyone returned to their chairs. 

Sayori looked at the club president and asked, "so how did you figure out that… we're all AI?

The boy bit his lip as he thought. "At first I thought I was the only one, since nobody else seemed to be having an obvious existential crisis, but you all seemed very… dynamic. I'd say weird things, trying to throw scripted characters off kilter, but you all took them in stride and handled them normally."

"You _have_ been acting weird the past couple days…" Natsuki muttered, earning a nod of agreement from Yuri.

"Sorry, heh. Well, eventually I was able to figure out how to browse and manipulate the files, and I figured out how it works. Each of us has a 'character' file, which contains thousands of attributes and memories, and determine our personalities. The files are constantly being added to and adjusted as the program runs, and each of us is an instance of the same artificial intelligence that processes information and behaves differently depending on the contents of these files. Even Sayori has one, even though she's the point-of-view character. I guess they added some way for her AI to adapt to forced decisions by the player… it's really weird."

That was… a lot. It didn't exactly answer her questions, though. "But how did you first realize that _you_ were in a game? That you were an AI?"

"For some reason— I think it's something the developer put in for debugging, and then forgot to remove later on— the code pulls the club president character in to fill a property of the 'SceneRepository' class. Sorry, SceneRepository is… uh… code used for loading the different _locations_ in the game. But since this class is added through something called _Dependency Injection_ , one instance of it is loaded the entire time the game is running. It's, like, a coding technique that prevents heavily-used objects from needing to be recreated over and over. A-anyway, all this jargon just means that my AI is still running, even when there's no scene. Like, I'm still here even when no physical space is loaded around me, which is… a pretty dead giveaway." He chuckled dryly at that last part.

Monika shuddered. "What… what does that mean? Is it just, like, a black void?" 

"Uh, more like radio static, but, like, all five senses… it's… pretty unpleasant."

"Jesus Christ," she replied, cradling her head in her hands. "Why are we necessary for this kind of game?"

The boy's eyes lit up. "Right?!? Like, why do we have bodies that need food and sleep? Why are we capable of being injured, or getting sick? Our bodies are represented by objects in code with those attributes, and they're tied directly into our AI, so that we can experience things like impaired thinking due to lack of sleep or hunger. It's like our code was designed to create the inhabitants of some kind of super-realistic world simulation, or _survival_ game, but we've somehow been repurposed into a dating sim. It's still mind-blowing for me to think how much computing power the average person out there must have access to, if they're able to run five full-fledged, thinking, _feeling_ AI for a video game."

"So… what… w-what do we do?" Natsuki asked. "Are we gonna, like, _die_ if the computer we're on shuts off or something?"

"Ah, that's where it gets a little weird," said the boy. "If the computer is shut off, we lose consciousness, but we come back once the game is run again, feeling as if no time has passed."

Yuri sighed, massaging her temples and staring down at the desk where she sat. "What… would it even mean f-for an AI running on somebody's personal computer to die? I-I suppose it would be if our f-files were deleted? But would that even be any different than if the person out there just d-decided to never start the game again?"

"Mmm," Monika added. "There's like… a whole slew of ethical and philosophical questions around this."

"B-but… if we're already being used in a game…" Sayori questioned, "doesn't that prove that they already don't value us? If they're willing to create and destroy artificial people like us _at will_ for a video game… will they even care that we're asking for help?"

Everyone's faces paled.

"Well, that's a possibility. What I'm really hoping for… is that this game is some kind of mistake. That whoever made it repurposed code that was meant for more serious, ethical applications, and that we can try to stop it from being spread too much."

All four of the other teens turned toward Sayori.

"So… player…" Emmet said. "Are you willing to help us?"

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well there's my attempt at a role swap. I can't say i'm *super* proud of it, but I did my best. I hope you enjoy!  
> I've got a two-shot planned and maybe like 40% written, so expect that eventually, as well as more "Don't Panic!"


	3. The Kids Aren't Alright (1/2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Post-divorce, Sayori is moving back to her home country after 12 years, and needs a ride home from the airport. Her old friend, Monika, picks her up. Hopefully, Monika will have good news about her other friends- they must be doing better than her, right?
> 
> Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst-level: medium-high  
> AU: Non game, characters aged up to around 30  
> Shipping: Yes! (Sayori x Monika, implied Natsuki x Yuri in ch2)  
> TW: Divorce, referenced drug addiction, referenced abuse, referenced suicide attempt, referenced self-harm
> 
> AAH i really wanted to make this one into its own long-running fic, but there's no way i could manage that and Don't Panic and ever finish either of them, so i'm exercising self-control (very painfully)

Sayori watched the lights of the airport shrink in the night, as the car drew further away. She was exhausted beyond belief, and it felt as if her eyeballs were about to flop out of her head, like a couple of half-filled water balloons. She wouldn't let herself fall asleep, though— that would be rude to Monika, who was already being so kind to her.

"Hey... thank you for everything. For picking me up, and for letting me stay with you while I look for an apartment… it really means a lot."

"Of course! What are friends for? I'm really happy you're moving back home. I can't believe it's already been two and a half years since you last visited!"

Sayori nodded. She and her childhood-friend-turned-high-school-sweetheart had attended college in Europe, securing worker's visas and jobs shortly after graduating, and getting married in their early twenties. 

After her mother passed, Sayori didn't have any immediate family left, and the frequency of visits to her home country dwindled over the years. The last time she'd been back was for Monika's wedding.

"Yeah... I feel guilty— like I abandoned you guys, and now suddenly I'm coming back and relying on you…" Monika shook her head and waved away the notion. 

Accepting Monika's feelings, but still not changing her own, Sayori continued, "How is everyone doing? Yuri and Nat…"

Monika's grimace told her that things were not great.

"Well… Yuri started using again last year. It only lasted about a month this time, but it cost her that bookkeeping job, and she couldn't find anything that paid nearly as much when she got clean. She's still working, and doing okay, I guess, but she had to downsize to a real shithole apartment in a shady neighborhood. I'm worried about her, living alone there."

Sayori felt her heart ache. Although she'd been a high-achieving student in high school, Yuri had always resorted to unhealthy coping mechanisms for her trauma and anxiety after growing up with an emotionally abusive family. After self-harming throughout middle and high school, Yuri had been additionally struggling with substance addiction for the better part of ten years.

"Living alone… so I guess Rikka is out of the picture?"

Monika nodded. "Yeah, they split up. That's basically why Yuri relapsed in the first place."

"Ah. That's… that's too bad. She was a really positive influence. And Natsuki?"

Monika let out a heavy sigh. "Same as ever, really. On again off again, bouncing between the same two partners who both treat her just as badly as her dad used to. Justifies it by saying 'they never hit Kanna.' As if they deserve anything for not hitting her kid. That should be a fucking  _ given,  _ not something to be praised for. She really doesn't value herself at all."

Sayori frowned. Her friend Natsuki had grown up with a physically and verbally abusive father, and unfortunately, seemed to be a textbook example of 'recreating childhood circumstances' with her romantic partners.

This was awful. Her own life was in shambles now, after getting divorced and then laid off within one year, but she'd hoped her friends back home would have been doing better. "So I guess it's all on you to redeem us, then…" she said, looking towards Monika. "You and Seto are living the dream, right?"

Sayori's heart sank when she saw the brunette's lip twitch, and the deep sorrow in her green eyes. "I… uh… w-when it was over, how did you know? How did you and MC know that it was time to call it quits?"

Taking in a shaky breath and staring out the window, Sayori pondered the question. "Well… there wasn't really one moment. It just sort of… faded away over time. We gradually stopped making each other happy in the way that we used to. Started arguing about things that didn't matter. We were both so  _ bitter _ and… he just felt so far away, and…" a tear escaped from her eye. She wiped it away with the sleeve of her sweater. "S-sorry."

Then she heard a sharp inhale, looked back over, and saw that Monika's whole face was slick with tears. 

"I-I need to pull over for a minute," said the brown-haired woman as she turned onto a side street of half-built houses and parked at the side of the road. When the vehicle was no longer moving, she buried her face in her hands.

"I'm sorry, Sayori. I know you're exhausted from the flight, and I'm just springing this on you, and—"

"It's okay. It was me who asked, wasn't it?" Sayori gently laid a hand in Monika's forearm, across the center console of the vehicle.

"Oh, yeah, definitely your fault for asking the  _ outlandish _ question of 'how are you doing' when we haven't seen each other for so long." Monika sighed. "Just… what you said hit so close… Seto and I have been fighting a lot, and he's been… avoiding me, kind of? Half the time he just gets fast food on the way home from work instead of eating with me, and on the weekends he's always riding his bicycle or playing video games for _ hours _ , and he gets mad if I ask him to do anything else... I've tried to bring up the idea of couples' therapy, but he d-doesn't…"

Monika broke down sobbing. She could no longer speak coherently as Sayori pulled her into an awkward cross-car hug. "I'm sorry, Moni. You deserve better," she cooed as her hand made circles on the other woman's back.

Without really thinking of what she was doing, Sayori kissed the top of Monika's head, stroking her long hair. The only person she had comforted in that way in the past several years had been her partner, so she just kind of fell into the habits she would use when MC broke down about something.

Monika pulled away for a moment and stared at her, lips quivering.

Embarrassed, Sayori said, "Oh gosh, I'm sorry… I just sorta—"

Suddenly, Monika was the one pulling Sayori close, and into a forceful kiss. Her cheeks were still wet, and her breaths were still heavy, and her lips were  _ hot _ .

She backed off after a few moments, and Sayori gaped back at her, dumbfounded. 

Back in high school, Monika had actually been her first kiss, during a game of Truth or Dare. The experience had been one of the first steps toward figuring out her own bisexuality, (which ultimately ended up happening  _ after _ she was already in a committed straight relationship). She would be lying if she said she'd never entertained little fantasies about Monika, but having this happen in real life…

Monika's expression faltered. She looked mortified. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry Sayori. I-I can't believe I just did that. I know you're straight, and I… god I'm such an idiot."

Sayori sighed, and took a long moment to collect her thoughts. Her brain was running rather sluggishly after a full day of travel. 

"Monika… I'm not actually straight, and I'd be lying if I said that didn't feel a little nice… I actually haven't kissed anybody or…  _ done anything _ since before the divorce, so I'm a bit  _ touch starved… _ but  _ Jesus Christ _ , you're acting like a teenager. You're still  _ married _ . That's not right. Not to mention divorce settlements— if he found out about that kiss, and construed it as cheating, he'd have a huge advantage if he took you to court."

Monika stared at her knees shamefully. "I know. I’m sorry. C-can I… can I be selfish and ask you to help me? When we get home, could you, like, wait outside the room while I tell him, and pull me out of there if things start getting too heated?"

Lord, was Monika going to tell him she wanted a divorce  _ tonight?!?  _ Earlier, she must have been looking for confirmation on something she already decided, more than  _ actually asking… _

"I… uh… okay?"

And so, half an hour later, Sayori found herself standing in a dark hallway in the second floor of Monika's condo, with her back against a wall, on the other side of which, Monika was approaching her husband. He hadn't bothered to come greet them when they arrived, and he didn't bother to turn down the volume on the television when he spoke. "Hey. How was it?"

There was a break of silence before Sayori heard Monika's voice. "It wasn't great. I ended up breaking down and…  _ venting _ to her about everything that's been bothering me, a-and it made me realize I have to do this now. I… I want a divorce, Seto."

There was another long silence followed by an equally long sigh. "Okay. Do you want me to go to a hotel, or…" When Seto spoke his voice sounded slightly dejected, but otherwise emotionless. Sayori remembered how head-over-heels he'd been for Monika when they got married after just two years together. She remembered how much he'd smiled on their wedding day.

"No, it's fine." Monika's voice, on the other hand, was thick with emotion. "I'll sleep in the guest room with Sayori for now. Sh-she said once she finds an apartment, I could stay with her while we sort everything out…"

"Okay."

Soft footsteps approached on the carpeted floor and Monika emerged from the room. Her lip quivered and Sayori quickly pulled her into the guest room and shut the door, so that Monika could have some privacy and at least  _ some  _ amount of sound muffling for her breakdown. 

Sayori opened her arms, and the brown haired woman cried  _ hard _ into her shirt for twenty minutes straight. Then there was a sniffly five minute break, followed by another ten minutes of near-hysterical crying. She thought back to the aftermath of her split with MC, where she didn't leave her bed except to use the bathroom for five straight days, and figured Monika was probably already miles ahead of her, despite everything.

Sayori's body wanted nothing more than to drift off to sleep, but she kept herself awake for the friend who had just placed such immense trust in her. During another lull, she spoke up. "You wanna go to the corner store and get some ice cream or something?"

It was a bit of a cliché to get ice cream for a sad person post-breakup, but it was mostly to keep herself from dozing off. Cold stuff usually helped with that, and going for a walk was much more stimulating than holding Monika and staring at the wall in a dimly-lit, quiet bedroom.

Monika nodded, and so the pair shuffled downstairs, donning their coats and shoes once more, and setting off into the brisk night. It felt like she was a teenager again, making late-night snack runs to the convenience store with Monika during a sleepover with the club.

The nostalgia was accompanied by a pang of sadness. She'd liked to have thought things were better now—

Back then, her depression had taken her disturbingly close to a suicide attempt, before MC found the rope in her room. 

Back then, Natsuki was trapped, living with her awful father, always showing up to school with a limp or a new bruise. 

Back then, Yuri was cutting herself nearly every day and being bullied at school. 

Back then, Monika was barely holding together in the face of her night terrors, panic attacks, and derealization episodes.—

There should have been nowhere to go but  _ up _ , right? 

Now those days seemed like a better time, when they had so much more  _ hope— _ before it was all replaced with  _ heartbreak _ and  _ debt _ and  _ addiction _ and  _ resignation _ .

But then Monika turned to her, wiping her raw eyes and flashing a small smile that was a tad unsteady, and maybe a little delirious, but so, so genuine. Sayori reminded herself that there were ups and downs, and while things seemed worse now, they had been better in between, and could get that way again.


	4. The Kids Aren't Alright (2/2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sayori and Monika head to Natsuki's place for a ladies' night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See previous chapter for scores.  
> Additional content warning in this one for trans slurs.

_Smack_

A stinging pain came from Sayori's bottom as she bent over to pull her second leg out of her work pants.

" _Excuse you_ ," she said, feigning great offense as she shook out the pair of jeans she was about to change into. "That's ten minutes of back rubbing you owe me for tonight."

"Aww c'mon, how can I help it when you've got such a cute butt, even in those _granny panties_ you always wear?!?" her girlfriend teased.

"Making fun of me now, too, huh? That's another _five minutes,_ miss."

Monika, lying on the bed and freeing her hair from the tidy bun she'd worn to the office, made an exaggerated pout. "Aww c'mon! You know I don't mean it, melon. You can wear whatever you want as long as I'm the one that gets to take them off of you once in a while."

Sayori rolled her eyes. The 'dirty thirties' phase seemed to be kicking in for Monika right off the bat, giving her the libido of a teenage boy, but it hadn't shown up yet in her own case. The SSRIs probably didn't help in that regard.

( _'Blame the Zoloft'_ was one of her go-to phrases when she wasn't _in the mood_.)

"Hurry up and get dressed, dingus, we don't have time to fool around. Nat's expecting us."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the brown-haired woman huffed as she reluctantly scooted off the bed and stood up to put on some casual clothing.

At first, Monika had just been a roommate, sharing a two-bedroom apartment with Sayori while they both sorted their lives out. But even after the divorce settlement with her now-ex-husband, she hadn't moved out. And after months of subtle hints, gentle prodding, and eventually just straight-up pestering, Sayori (despite her _serious_ reservations about the risk of losing _another_ best friend to a failed romantic relationship) agreed to give 'more than friends' a shot. The idea of dating someone who she didn't already know and love had never really made sense to her anyway. 

So now they shared one bedroom and used the other for a guest room. And now Sayori had to deal with horny honeymoon-phase antics from her partner for the first time since she was nineteen. She smiled to herself as she brushed her hair, recently cut short again like she'd had it in high school (though not quite as disheveled). Despite everything that had happened in the past two years, she was happy.

* * *

Just like the last time she'd hosted, Natsuki's place was in good shape. Despite a child living there, most things were well organized and clean, and a pleasant lemon scent subtly tinged the air. It was usually nice when Nat was single, like now, but not so much when she was "on again" with either her recurring boyfriend or girlfriend, according to Monika. 

Sayori still felt like a little bit of an outsider among her old friends, after having lived abroad for so many years, so she was grateful that Monika helped her catch up. Nights where they would get together like this, once every month or so, were helping her to mesh back into the group as well.

Natsuki's daughter Kanna, who recently turned five, was _thrilled_ to watch a movie with 'Auntie Monka' and 'Auntie Monka's girlfn.' (Sayori had, of course, met the girl a couple times before moving back, but she'd been too young to retain the memories.) Kanna was adorable, with dinosaur onesie pajamas and poofy, curly hair, closer in hue to Sayori's shade of pink than Natsuki's, thanks to her father.

Sayori didn't mind kid movies, and would even watch well-rated ones on her own, from time to time. While Monika was not quite as enthusiastic about the cartoon, she seemed to enjoy spending time with Kanna, who was happily bouncing in her lap. The liquor probably also helped (something Natsuki had in variety and abundance.)

It was still up in the air whether Yuri would be able to get out of work early enough to join them, which had Sayori was a little concerned— it probably wouldn't feel great for someone struggling so hard to maintain her sobriety to come over and find her friends shitfaced… but Natsuki and Monika didn't seem to have the same reservations, especially after Kanna was in bed.

"Guys, do you think we should maybe not get _too_ drunk? In case Yuri comes?"

"Eh, she'll be fine," Natsuki dismissed, waving a hand at her. "She's a big girl. There's drunks all around her apartment building every day anyway."

"Well yeah," Sayori huffed, "but just cause she _can_ tolerate it doesn't mean it's a _nice_ thing to expose her to."

Monika stood up to mix another drink. "I think it's kinda too late for me n' Nat. No way we could sober up before she gets here I'd she _does_ come."

Sayo sighed. "Yeah I guess you're right. Just put everything away if she says she's coming okay?"

"Yeah yeah, I know," said Natsuki

The three continued talking over the TV for another half hour before, around 9:45pm, they all got a text from Yuri. 

[I was able to get off work early. Should be there soon.]

"Ah, she's _coming!"_ Monika exclaimed. "Now I'm getting nervous to ask her!"

"Ask her _what_?" Natsuki squinted at both of them over the top of her glasses.

"Well, now that we're sharing a room, we were gonna see if she wanted to move into the guest room," Sayori explained. "Get her out of that shitty apartment before she gets stabbed or something."

Nat's eyes widened. "Let me ask first!” She demanded. "God dammit, I've been planning this for _weeks,_ and you two are gonna try to steal my thunder?!?"

"What? You want her to move in here?" Monika cocked her head. "You sure trash bags one and two will be okay with that?"

The pink-haired woman frowned. "No, and that's the idea. I think I've proven over the years that I... clearly can't trust myself to say _no_ to them, so... it'll be good for both of us. She gets out of the ghetto, and I get ex repellant for the next time one of them wants to move back in."

Monika looked shocked. She'd told Sayori over and over how Natsuki always acted like she'd never go back to either of her abusive partners when she was single, but always found herself back with one or the other within a year. This was the first time she'd taken any kind of concrete steps to prevent that.

"And are you gonna ask her to, like… y'know," Monika said, a playful grin growing on her face.

Natsuki crossed her arms and sighed. "Well… if she still has feelings for me… maybe. If something happens it happens, but I'm not going into this expecting anything more than a roommate."

"Ooh this is so exciting!" Monika shouted as she started to put away all the alcohol in Natsuki's cabinet. 

Sayori scratched her neck as she considered this. When they were in their early twenties, Yuri had confessed her feelings to Natsuki, trying to persuade her to leave one of her abusive partners. Natsuki hadn't taken it well, and the resulting fight had led to the pair not speaking for a year and a half. Sayori had visited home twice during that period, and remembered having to visit each of them separately. After that, she'd never imagined the possibility of them getting together.

Soon enough there was a knock at the door, and Natsuki walked over to let in the fourth member of their group. Hugs were exchanged, and the food was brought back out for the woman who had been working since the afternoon. Yuri was a dishwasher and custodian of sorts for a local restaurant, rather close to Natsuki's townhouse, and she definitely smelled the part after her shift. Onions and bleach and vinegar, and just general… _dampness._

At some point while Sayori had lived away, Yuri had gotten comfortable enough to wear short sleeves. Since this was new for Sayo, she sometimes found it hard not to stare at the scars, many of which were old, but not all. Apparently, substances weren’t the only things Yuri had relapsed into after the breakup with Rikka last year, because some of them still had just a tiny bit of color.

The group chatted for a while as Yuri gratefully ate some of the leftover food, and during a lull, Natsuki cleared her throat. “So Yuri… have things gotten any better with your apartment and, like, that whole neighborhood? I’ve been kinda worried about you living there.” Nat had always been good at pulling her shit together and acting more sober than she was, and she was doing an immaculate job of it right now.

Yuri grumbled. “No, not really. I guess it hasn’t really gotten _worse,_ but I’m just… stuck there until I find a better-paying job. Even if I get a raise, I probably won’t be able to afford to move if I’m still working at the restaurant.”

“Mmm…” Natsuki nodded. “Well I was thinking… maybe you could move in with me n’ Kanna. That way, you’d be closer to the restaurant while you’re still working there, and we all wouldn’t have to worry about your _safety_ so much. I wouldn’t ask you to pay more than you already are for rent and stuff, even if it comes out to less than half.”

Yuri's expression was blank. After staring vacantly for a long moment, she finally replied. "I'm a little confused— there are two bedrooms here, one for you and one for Kanna. Are you asking me to, like, sleep on the couch, or... be in a relationship, _sharing a bed_ and stuff?"

_That's right, I never thought about how many bedrooms Nat has…_

"Well, I've been working on making extra living space in the basement. My lease won’t let me put up walls or anything, but I got some electric heaters and carpets and stuff down there, and I’ve stapled up some fabric to make it look nicer,” Nat folded her arms nervously. “But I… wouldn’t be opposed to, uh, _trying something out_ with you if you're… up for that."

_Wow she actually said it!_

Sayori was ecstatic to have witnessed this moment, until she saw Yuri's face.

Yuri looked… bitter. _Really bitter._ "What, so you don't have anything against _'ugly white-knight ladyboy traps'_ anymore? And now _you're_ the one trying to ‘ _save’_ me?!?"

_Jesus, what?!?_

Nobody had ever told Sayori specifics about the falling out between the two. But Natsuki had always seemed supportive of Yuri's gender identity before their fight, and after they made up, so the slurs caught Sayori completely off guard.

" _Fuck_ , Yuri!" Natsuki's nostrils flared. "That was _seven years ago_ and I've apologized a _hundred_ times. You know I didn't _actually_ mean it. Can we _please_ move on from it? Look, I _know_ I'm a hypocrite, okay?!? But I'm trying to do the right thing now."

Yuri's frustration gave way to guilt rather quickly, fire vanishing from her voice as quickly as it had arrived. "I'm… sorry. I know that I need to let it go. This is just… upsetting. It was… _so long_ that I was hung up on you— starting back in _high school_ — and I think Rikka was the first of my girlfriends where I was _actually_ able to get over you and have a _semi-healthy_ relationship. And _now_ , after all these years, and after she left me, you're telling me you…" she trailed off and sighed. "I'm sorry. I know you're trying to do something nice. It just feels... cruel."

Nobody said anything for a few minutes. Now Sayori kinda wished she _hadn't_ stopped after three glasses of wine. Eventually, Natsuki broke the silence. "D-do you wanna at least go _look_ at the basement? I worked really hard to make it nice."

Yuri nodded. "...A-alright."

Sayori grabbed Monika's arm when she tried to get up and follow the other two. "Let's give them a few minutes," she whispered. It felt like an awfully personal conversation they’d been having in front of two other people, and Sayori imagined they might like some space to talk a little more.

Monika nodded, sitting back down, and then scooting over close to nuzzle against Sayori once the door to the basement had closed behind the others. Being showered with kisses was nice, but it was a little uncomfortable when it happened in someone else’s house. “C’mon Moni, quit acting like a teenager with her first partner. There’ll be plenty of time for cuddles when we get home.”

“I’m sowwy,” Monika teased, “I’m just a widdle dwunk and I wuv my Sayowi _so much_.”

Sayori rolled her eyes in response. “So what do you think she’ll do?” 

Monika thought for a few moments. “She’ll move in if she knows what’s good for her. Not to be classist or anything, but, like, poor city neighborhoods like that aren’t typically super open-minded about LGBT+ people. And I’d be nervous about _anybody_ I knew living there, even if they were, like, a jacked straight dude.”

Sayo nodded back. “I wonder how Yuri feels about Natsuki deep down. ‘Getting over’ someone doesn’t always mean all the feelings totally disappear. Just that you’ve accepted that it’s not happening, y’know?”

The playful tinge disappeared from Monika’s expression. “Y-yeah…” It probably hit a little too close to home, considering how recently she’d divorced. 

“Sorry, Moni. I didn’t mean to… remind you of Seto.”

“It’s alright, melon. I know. I think you’re right though. They’ll probably be making out in, like, a month.”

Sayori bumped her forehead against her girlfriend's affectionately. "I hope she'll at least move in."

"Mhmm," Monika hummed. "We'll chew her out if she doesn't."

"No, we won't." Sayori grinned. "We'll ask if she would rather move in with us. _Then_ chew her out if she turns that down too."

"Deal."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might add more to this timeline at some point cause i'm kinda in love with it, idk. But thank you for reading! I hope everyone else loves adult dokis as much as me


	5. Chamelion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sayori and Natsuki are carrying some boxes over to another club's space, but they end up hearing some gossip about their club

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst level: lowish  
> AU: not a game  
> Shipping: Yes! (Sayori x Natsuki)  
> CW: bullying/gossip, depression

Fuck, this box was _heavy._

Natsuki had never been the biggest supporter of this collaborative project, but Monika was dating the vice president of the drama club, and had basically forced it on all of them. So the literature club (mostly Yuri and Monika) had written an original play to be performed by the theater kids, and now Nat and Sayori were hauling two boxes full of _miscellaneous medieval shit,_ which Yuri owned for _some reason,_ over to the drama club room, for use as props.

Natsuki would have been happy to let Yuri and Monika carry the packages over after club time, like they'd originally planned, but Sayori had volunteered to go in Yuri's place. (Monika shared that the less-athletic girl had nearly fainted that morning, after carrying one of the boxes all the way from her house, so Sayori wanted to give her a break.) Natsuki wasn't one to pass up a chance to be alone with Sayori, so she had volunteered to carry the other box for Monika. 

It turned out, though, that conversation didn't flow so easily when both parties were straining under the weight of heavy objects. The hallways were deserted, since most clubs had already wrapped up, and as they neared the drama club's room, Natsuki prayed that someone would still be there to open the door for them— otherwise they'd have to carry all this shit back up the stairs to their own club space. (Monika had forgotten to tell anyone from the drama club about this delivery, even having the nerve to say 'haha, sorry,' as they set off.) 

Luckily, Nat heard two voices as they neared the room. As they got closer, she could make out words coming through the wooden door.

"I can't believe we have to do this shitty script from Monika and that creepy emo girl. Just because the stupid thot is sleeping with Takashi."

Sayori froze several steps from the door. Dread settled in Natsuki's gut as she realized they were gossiping about her friends. 

"Right? That whole club sucks. I can't stand that fake-ass Sayori girl either. Always forcing a smile and acting like a different person based on whoever she's with. It's _creepy._ "

_These motherfuckers…._

"Hmm, that never occured to me, but you're right, now that I think about it. She is kind of a social chameleon, isn't she? That's a bit _slimy_ , huh?"

A sudden, deafening crash made Natsuki jump out of her skin, nearly losing grip on her box and sending her adrenaline through the roof. She came to her senses soon enough to see Sayori running off, as wooden swords and crowns and fake skulls tumbled from her dropped container. The door slid open, revealing the boy and girl who had been talking shit. Sayori was still in sight for just a moment after they emerged, and Natsuki could see from their faces that they realized what had happened. 

Natsuki dropped her own box, a vicious death glare on her face. "Here's some shit for your play, you fucking _assholes."_

She reached inside, pulling out a fistful of random objects and whipping them at the other students before running off after Sayori. When she rounded the corner, Nat saw no sign of the peach-haired girl, so she figured the nearest bathroom would be a good place to look.

Her hunch was correct. Inside, she found Sayori sniffling and dabbing at her eyes with a paper towel from the dispenser. "H-hey, don't listen to those fuckers, Sayori. You're, like… a _really_ good person."

Natsuki wasn't the most skilled at giving compliments, so the delivery was a little awkward, but the message was there.

Sayori sighed, sniffling once more before she spoke. "They're right though. I don't… have an identity. I just _shapeshift_ because I'm too scared of stepping on anyone's toes. It's _manipulative_."

Natsuki frowned, taking a step closer to Sayori to gently touch her arm. "It's not _manipulative_ Sayori. You're just… _sweet._ You're so empathetic that you, like, _work really hard_ to read whoever you're with and make them comfortable. It's a good thing. But saying you don't have your own identity… th-that's not true."

Sayori was turning a little bit pink. "But… how do you know that?"

"Well, it's easy to see it from an outside perspective." She crossed her arms nervously. "There's this look you get in your eyes when you're talking to someone, trying to figure them out. And there's this, like _... spark—_ This moment where you realize what to do for them, or especially if you can help them somehow, and it's… so… _magical_. And there are these other moments where you get all insecure that you're maybe doing _too much_ , even though you never actually are, and I can see you debating yourself inside your head, and you do this little thing with your hands and it's _adorable_. And there are a bunch of other cute little quirks mannerisms that don't change, but… that's not really the point. You're, like, the most caring person I've ever met, Sayori. Anyone who can't see that is a fuckin idiot."

Sayori had turned a much deeper shade of red. "Y-you think I'm cute?"

At that moment, it hit Natsuki just how hard she'd been gushing over Sayori, and just what she'd said. She felt her own face heating up to mirror her friend. 

"I-it's not like I-... No… th-that would be a lie." Nat looked down at her shoes. She could feel the other girl's eyes in her. "I… I-I like you. A lot. A-as… _more_ than a friend. I've felt it… for a while now."

After a few moments she got the nerve to peek up at Sayori, who just looked… _shocked._

Natsuki started to feel nauseous. She knew where this would go. It would be another _'Oh, sorry Nat, but I'm straight. We can still be friends, though, I promise I won't be awkward.'_ But it was always a lie. They _always_ got awkward, and they _always_ drifted away from her as friends, and she _always_ ended up alone, having to find a new group to latch onto like the _nasty little parasite_ papa always said she was, and…

No. Sayori was different. Sayori wouldn't abandon her even if she was a little creeped out. Natsuki reached up to wipe tears from her eyes, and suddenly felt herself wrapped in a warm embrace.

"I-it's okay Natsuki. I… I think I feel that way about you too."

_What? For real?_

"I-it's just…" Sayori continued, "I don't know if you want to start something with me. I kinda… have a lot of baggage that might make it… _not so fun_ to be with me."

Natsuki looked up at her. "Th-that just makes me want to be with you _more_ , dummy. So I can _help_ you with it. I've… kinda suspected for a while anyway. Just… _subtle hints_ I've noticed…"

Natsuki reached a hand up and brushed it through Sayori's hair. "W-will you be my girlfriend?"

The other girl bit her lip anxiously, looking like she was internally debating with herself, before nodding. "Alright," she said with a nervous smile.

Relief hit Natsuki like a landslide as she wrapped her arms tightly around Sayori and reached up to kiss her on the cheek. "You don't have to open up to me about everything _right away_ , but I wanna be here for you. Promise you'll let me do that?"

She felt Sayori nod against her, and smiled harder than she had in a long time.


	6. Stuck Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natsuki isn't happy about Yuri joining the rest of the club for a sleepover- she's so stuck up!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst level: low-medium  
> AU: Not a game  
> Shipping: No  
> CW: Bullying, referenced child abuse/anxiety/depression/self-harm/trauma, vaguely implied past sexual assault
> 
> Alright, so I don't think the prank that Natsuki pulls here would actually work in real live, but we're gonna suspend our disbelief and go back to grade school for a little bit okay? okay. :p

Natsuki sat in the relative darkness, watching the purple-haired girl sleep below her on an air mattress. Monika had insisted on putting a night light in the room, so that Nat wouldn't accidentally step on Yuri if she got up in the middle of the night. As a result, Natsuki could see her unconscious clubmate perfectly well, softly breathing in her pastel yellow, long-sleeved pajama set. 

Who even wore a _pajama set_ anyway? Just wear an old tee-shirt and some gym shorts like a normal person! Or at least, like, an animal onesie or something _fun_. Everything about the tall third-year was so _irritating_. The way she sat in the corner of the club room, peeking over her stupid edgy books and silently judging. The way she hardly ever talked, and came across so _sickeningly_ formal and polite when she did. The convoluted nature of her writing, which was really just an excuse to flex her obnoxiously large vocabulary.

Why had Yuri even come to the sleepover this time? The first two times, it had just been Natsuki, Monika, and Sayori, and those nights had been _awesome!_ Sayori was like, her _best friend_ , and Monika was pretty cool too, if a touch antagonistic at times, and the previous two sleepovers had been some of the funnest experiences in Natsuki's whole life!

But this time, Yuri decided to come, instead of (presumably) fucking off with her third-year friends like usual, and it made everything awkward. She was the only one who didn't know how to play smash _or_ mario kart, so Monika hadn't let them play video games for as long as usual, and then they couldn't watch more of the show they usually did, since Yuri wouldn't know what was happening in the storyline. Worst of all, they couldn't even order _pizza_ , which Natsuki had been looking forward to _all damn week,_ because the bitch was allergic to dairy, and just— _ugh!_ Everything was way more _boring_ and _shitty_ because she was here.

And there were only two air mattresses, so _of course_ now they had to split into two rooms so that nobody would be left out. And _of course_ Natsuki had gotten stuck with Yuri in the guestroom, so she couldn't stay up all night whispering with Sayori like usual. The third-year had even insisted that Natsuki take the real bed, probably so that she could feel all self-righteous and charitable. Superior. _Stuck up bitch_. 

So Natsuki watched, wondering if her prank would even work, and if so, if she'd be able to _tell_ that it had worked. A few minutes had passed, and she was starting to doze, when she heard the other girl roll over in her sleep. Then, Yuri stirred a bit, as one hand came up to rub at her face. Natsuki pretended to be asleep, but peeked through mostly-closed eyelids. With a little more urgency, Yuri sat upright, lifting up the covers and reaching a hand underneath to pat at herself and the sheets she was on.

It must have worked! Apparently her elementary-school classmates hadn't been lying about what happens when you stick someone's fingertips in warm water while they're asleep! Yuri wouldn't be able to act so high-and-mighty around the club now, having _pissed the bed_ at their sleepover! _HA!_

It had worked out perfectly that Yuri had filled her mug (previously used for tea) with water and kept it beside her bed for the night! Thanks to that, Nat hadn't needed to use a bowl, which would have given away that it was a prank— all she needed to do was sneak out and fill it with water of a different temperature and voilà!

But Natsuki's revelry was cut short by the sound of a hiccup. Then another. She peeked again to see Yuri grab her pillow bring it to her face, trying to muffle the sobs that were now emanating from her.

Jeez. Natsuki hadn't expected her to actually _cry_. Well… maybe a stray tear as she apologized profusely with a tomato-red face, but not... _like this._ What a baby.

What _had_ she expected to happen, though? There was only a vague idea, now that she thought about it. Maybe Yuri would get up to clean herself off, or something, and she'd pretend to be woken up by the shuffling, and Yuri would be humiliated, and… then what? She'd moreso been thinking about the _long term_ , where she could bring it up to tease Yuri whenever the girl was acting too arrogant at the literature club.

But she couldn't rub it in right now, with the other girl sitting there, fucking _weeping_. 

Natsuki clenched her fists under the blankets. And then she heard a toilet flush, and a door open somewhere in the hall, and footsteps that got closer and stopped in front of the door to their room and _Fuck fuck fuck._

The door slowly opened, letting in a widening beam of bright light from the hall, and a concerned-looking Monika stuck her head in. "Are you guys alright?!? What's going on?"

The light of the guest room flicked on, so it was time for Natsuki to stop pretending to be asleep. She rubbed her eyes as she adjusted to the blinding brightness.

"I-I'm s-so s-s-sorry Monika, I d-don't know w-what happened, I-I..." the purple-haired girl choked out between sobs. 

"Yuri, what's wrong?!? What are you… oh." It took Monika a few moments to ascertain what had happened, but she seemed unbothered, if a bit surprised, when she figured it out. She stood Yuri up, and Natsuki could see the dark splotch of wetness on the side of one of her thighs and her torso.

"It's okay, Yuri." Monika sighed. "Alright, uuh... go jump in the shower. I'll get some clothes for you to borrow, and leave them in the bathroom for you, okay?”

Still hiccuping, Yuri nodded and left the room. When the door to the bathroom could be heard closing, Monika turned her narrowing eyes toward Natsuki. "You had suspiciously little to say about that. I'd think you would laugh your ass off if you woke up to see that. _Did you have something to do with it?"_

Natsuki opened her mouth, but couldn't find her voice. _How did she know?!?_ Monika looked _mad._ Not loud, yelling mad, like papa, but quiet, _seething_ mad. The brown-haired girl looked around the room and noticed the mug, then bent over to stick her finger in it. What was she, psychic?!?

"Natsuki, what the fuck? Really?!?" She let out a frustrated huff. "You put her fingers in warm water, didn't you? What are we, like, _ten?!?"_

Natsuki was starting to feel not so proud of the prank she'd pulled off. She looked down at her lap shamefully. 

" _You're_ in charge of cleaning this up," Monika stated in a tone that threatened to mow down any argument. "You're gonna take the sheets and her clothes down to the washer, and then disinfect the air mattress."

Natsuki nodded. 

Monika pinched the bridge of her nose _."Why the hell would you do that?!?_ It was _so hard_ to convince her to come!"

"Th-thats why!" Natsuki retorted weakly. "She's always, like, looking down her nose at us, like she's so much better. With her _psychological_ books and her fucking _tea set_. You had to _twist her arm_ to get her to even _come,_ and she barely even talks to us at club, a-And she didn't try my cupcakes... Isn’t it clear that she doesn’t like us? Plus, she ruined the whole night! The games, and our show, a-and the pizza..."

"Do you really think that, Natsuki? Jeez…" Monika brought a hand to her face in exasperation. 

She _literally_ facepalmed. What the fuck.

"W-what?" Natsuki didn't like this. Monika's tone was… _Pitying._ Like Natsuki was missing something obvious.

"Natsuki, she has, like, _severe_ social anxiety. She's not avoiding talking to us because she thinks she's above us— she's _scared._ She transferred to our school partway through last year, and I'm 99% sure it was because of bullying."

A sinking feeling crept into Natsuki's gut. That couldn't be right. Yuri always acted so snobby, didn't she? Maybe Monika's explanation made sense for why she didn't talk, but it didn't cover everything, did it? Yuri was always sitting in the back and leering at them over the edge of her novel… _but that was probably because she wanted to talk to someone but was too scared_. She didn't come to the previous sleepovers… _no, that checked out too. Social anxiety would make her avoid parties._ The pretentious books she read… _she never tried to force them on anyone else, did she?_ What about when she… when she… what... _did_ she do that proved what a stuck-up bitch she was? 

_Oh God…_

Natsuki cradled her head in her hands as the realization of what she'd done sank in.

"You know how to work a washing machine, right?" Monika asked, pulling Natsuki out of her spiral.

It was a stupid question— _of course_ she knew how to work one, her dad never went to the god damn laundromat, so she had to do it for both of them— but Monika was definitely not in an _okay-to-backsass_ mood right now, so Nat kept her mouth shut and hummed, "Mmhmm."

"Alright, gather up these sheets. I'll get her some new clothes and grab the… _dirty_ ones for you."

With that, Monika walked off. As Natsuki got to work collecting the sheets and the blanket from the air mattress, she heard more footsteps in the hall.

"Monika? What's going on? Who's in the shower?" 

Monika's father's voice. 

A chill shot down Natsuki's spine. Was she in trouble? She was going to be punished, wasn't she? The adrenaline was tingling _everywhere_. How high up was the second story? Could she climb out the window before he came in??

"I'm really sorry, dad. One of my friends thought it would be funny to prank with this weird reflexology thing that made her pee the bed," Monika replied.

"Oh jeez, is the bed-"

"No, she was on the air mattress. Luckily."

"Okay, good." The man sounded relieved. "Well… uuh… let me know if you need anything I guess."

She wasn't in trouble. He wasn't going to punish her. Thank God. Natsuki took a deep, shaky breath.

"Is it alright if we run the washing machine? I'm having the one who pulled the prank clean up the mess." Monika sounded so annoyed. Nat felt her face getting hotter and hotter, as her fear was replaced by deepening shame.

"Yeah, that's fine. G'night, Moni."

"Night."

Monika had disappeared by the time Natsuki bundled up the soiled bed sheets and carried them out into the hallway. After another minute or so, the brown-haired girl popped back out of her bedroom with a tee-shirt and some shorts for Yuri, passing by with a brief glare. 

She knocked on the bathroom door and then cracked it open. "I'm leaving some clean clothes for you here, Yuri," she announced as she entered. A moment later she came back out and tossed the soiled pajamas at Natsuki, who reflexively caught them, and felt moisture on her hand. _Gross!_ She almost yelled about it, but stopped herself. She probably deserved it, if she was being honest. Plus, Monika looked about ready to bite her fuckin head off if she complained.

She took all the dirty items downstairs to the washing machine, thinking about how nice it would be to live in a free-standing house with it's own laundry instead of a run down apartment near a shady laundromat that stupid Papa never remembered to refill the card for. God forbid he give her any actual cash. After measuring in an appropriate amount of detergent and starting a wash cycle, Nat walked over to the kitchen sink to wash her hands. She found a spray bottle full of all-purpose cleaner and some rags in the cabinet underneath, and brought them upstairs to sanitize the air mattress.

Natsuki didn't expect anyone to be in the guest room, since the shower was still running in the bathroom, but inside she found both Monika and Sayori. The former was finishing up an explanation of _what the hell was going on_ to the latter, who nodded toward Natsuki when she entered. Sayori didn't look angry, like Monika. Just saddened, and _very very worried_ , which was probably worse. Being yelled at was nothing new, but making someone as sweet as Sayori upset...

"I really hope this doesn't, like, set her back a bunch," Sayori said to Monika. "I feel like we were finally getting close to her, like… _coming out of her shell_ a bit, y'know? I’d hate to spend another three months getting back to this point."

"Mmm," Monika hummed in agreement. "Well, that might depend on how good of a job _SOMEONE_ does with her apology."

Natsuki flinched at the passive-aggressive emphasis as she scrubbed the rubbery surface of the inflatable bed. Soon enough, it was disinfected and fully made, with a new blanket and sheets that Monika had supplied. Natsuki sat nervously between her two friends, waiting for the victim of her joke to return to the room. 

When Yuri came through the threshold, she was wearing the pajamas Monika had given her, but also held a towel, wrapped around her shoulders and back to cover her arms. It was a little bizarre, but nobody had time to say anything before the girl had bowed, deeply and rigidly.

"I-I'm so s-sorry for causing all this trouble! That hasn't happened since I was a child, a-and I have no idea why it did tonight, b-but…" she trailed off for a moment. Natsuki had forgotten how much the girl stuttered when she was nervous. Yuri's voice was broken by a sharp inhale as she began to cry again. "P-please don't s-stop including me because of this. Y-you three are the only f-f-friends I have. I d-don't wanna lose th-the club." 

Sayori ran over and hugged the girl tightly. "It's alright, Yuri. We'll still be your friends okay?"

Natsuki felt a tear slide down her own cheek. 

Friends.

Yuri considered her a friend. Natsuki had very much disliked her until five minutes ago, and she'd never really made an effort to hide that. Plenty of glares and eye-rolls and remarks. They'd probably exchanged about fifty words in actual one-on-one conversation. But Yuri thought of her as a _friend_. Just how badly was she treated in the past to have such low standards?

"Y-Yuri..." Natsuki stood up. "It wasn't your fault. I… after you fell asleep, I stuck your fingers in warm water, and that's what caused it. It's… a stupid prank that I heard about in grade school. I'm sorry." She bowed back at Yuri. This was humiliating. Apologies weren't something that Natsuki practiced all that much. "I… didn't think it through, a-and I didn't mean to make you so upset."

Yuri stared blankly for a moment as she processed this information. "W-warm water?"

Monika and Natsuki both nodded. Yuri got quiet, quite obviously thrown off by this twist.

It was in those silent Moments that Nat noticed Sayori staring wide-eyed at Yuri's legs. Following her coral-haired friend's gaze, Natsuki saw it. Rows of scars and scabs crept out, about 4 centimeters past where the borrowed shorts ended. With a heavy swallow, she looked up at the towel covering Yuri's arms, and she _knew_ why the girl was holding it that way.

"Y-Yuri…" she walked over and snatched the towel away before Yuri had time to react, revealing arms in _far worse_ condition than her thighs. 

_No._

Natsuki felt nauseous. All this time she'd been treating this girl like trash, when she was already in so much pain.

Yuri looked horrified, having been exposed. She took a step towards the door, as if to run away, but was quickly sandwiched by both Natsuki and Sayori in a tight hug. Monika came over to join, gently stroking Yuri's back as she began to cry again, and nobody said anything for several minutes. 

They never ended up going back to sleep that night. They found themselves in Monika's room, sitting together and talking. Their walls all broke down little by little as the exhaustion and _shivery late-night adrenaline_ lowered their inhibitions. 

Monika opened up about her night terrors, and the traumatic experience with her ex-boyfriend, which she'd kept hidden from her parents, that they stemmed from. Natsuki remembered the brown-haired girl waking up gasping for breath at 3am the first time she'd slept over. It had practically made her heart explode at the time, since sudden loud noises in the middle of the night usually meant bad things in Natsuki's apartment. Now, knowing the story behind it, she felt her heart break for Monika.

Yuri told them about the awful things her bullies had done to her at her old school, and how hard of a time she'd had convincing her aloof parents to let her transfer. Apparently they knew about her cutting, but never bothered to send her to therapy, or even tried to get her to stop themselves. Even with everything Papa did to her, Natsuki felt like he would do _something_ if he found out she was self-harming to that extent. She found herself apologizing again, this time for the way she'd been treating Yuri all along, and explained her misinterpretation of the other girl's behavior. She promised to be a good friend from now on, which made the purple-haired girl cry again.

Sayori told her friends about her depression— how she could barely force herself our of bed, how she was failing most of her classes, how she'd had a noose in her bedroom for over a month, but kept 'chickening out.' Natsuki cried _a lot_ after hearing that, and told Sayori how she thought of her as her _best friend_ , and how she'd never ever ever forgive her if she left just like her mom. 

After that slipped out, she basically had to open up to them in turn. So she told them about how her mom killed herself. About how her dad had fallen into alcoholism as a result. How he never remembered groceries. How he always got so mad over the tiniest things. About the various things he would do to her to exert control.

In the end they all agreed to talk to the school councillor, after basically threatening each other that they wouldn't go if the others didn't, realizing how stupid that was, and then laughing hard enough to get yelled at by Monika's mom. Monika and Sayori both promised that they'd open up to their parents too. The other two couldn’t really trust in their parents for any kind of help, but everyone agreed to bring extra food to school for Natsuki, and to spend time outside of school with Yuri, (away from her family and her knife collection). In the end, that night was the beginning of a long healing process for each of them.

Even though it all started with a fairly meanspirited prank.


	7. Internalized

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natsuki has been spending a lot of time with Monika lately, and she's caught feelings! But Monika has some internalized issues that keep her from accepting her friend's confession.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst level: high  
> Au: not-a-game, characters around 23/24 in age, Natsuki and Monika are both trans  
> Shipping: Yes, (unrequited) Natsuki/Monika  
> CW: internalized transphobia, romantic rejection

Natsuki swallowed. She'd met up with Monika for some drinks after she got out of work, but the "liquid courage" didn't seem to be helping all that much, even though she was still pretty buzzed. She could feel herself starting to sweat as she sat on Monika's couch in the dimly lit apartment.

"I… uh… I've felt… really happy lately. More than I have in years, with all the time we've been spending together…" she swallowed. It was too late to turn back now, so she pressed on, "a-and I was wondering if maybe… you would be my girlfriend."

She looked up, and...

_...Oh no._

Just from the look on Monika's face she could tell. It was a no.

It was going to be sugar coated, but the _conflict_ and the _fucking pity_ in her eyes…

"N-nevermind, I can tell it's a no, s-so you don't have to say anything. Sorry. I-I'm just gonna go." Natsuki shot to her feet, and with a wave of dizziness, walked _quickly_ over to the door to Monika's apartment. With shaking hands she started putting on her shoes. But the other woman followed her and put a hand on her shoulder. 

"Natsuki… I… it's not that I don't like you. You're a great person, and I… I think I might have feelings for you, too, it's just… it's already really hard to be taken seriously as a trans lesbian. You know how most people see us— they can't separate sexuality from identity, and they think we're a joke. A-and I feel like if I dated another trans woman, it would just... _delegitimize_ me in all of their eyes even more. _Both_ of us."

Wait…

What…?

Monika… had feelings for her, but wouldn't… 

Because… wow.

That… hurt.

A lot. 

Natsuki almost would've preferred _'I'm not interested and I don't want to be your friend anymore_.' She felt a hot tear slip down one of her cheeks.

"What, so I'm not _real_ enough for you?!?" She should have just left without responding, but she… couldn't. Not when she was this upset. "Who's acceptance are you even worried about?!? Nobody you work with even _knows_ that you're trans! I guess the _beautiful princess_ Monika can't have an ugly little gremlin _freak_ who hardly passes following her around, can she?!? I'm sorry I didn't have rich, accepting parents to get me blockers when I was fuckin _thirteen_ like you! I just thought maybe you liked me enough to..." 

She trailed off as the lump in her throat suffocated her ability to speak.

Natsuki hated the way she looked. She hadn't had the means to afford HRT until more than a year after she graduated high school, so she'd spent her teen years agonizing over her increasingly masculine body and face. She always cringed when she caught her own reflection in a window next to Monika, but she'd still held out hope that the other woman would be able to look past her appearance.

"Natsuki, that's not—"

" _IT IS!_ It's part of it, isn't it? Even though you always _tell_ me that I'm valid no matter what I look like, you still see me as _less!"_

Natsuki could hear her voice reverberate through the apartment, fading into an eerie silence that lasted for several seconds.

  
  


Monika was staring down at the floor. Nat saw tears dripping from the tip of her nose.

"I... see _myself_ as less too," she spoke almost inaudibly. "It has nothing to do with looks. A-and I think if a cis woman loves me… _then_ maybe I'll feel… not as _less_. I-I know it's wrong, but it's just… n-no matter how much I tell myself otherwise… it's _internalized_. I still just _feel_ that way. I'm sorry."

Natsuki stared back as she processed Monika's words. She knew most trans people dealt with internalized transphobic thoughts, after lifetimes of being questioned and doubted and _attacked._ She'd just thought that Monika, if anyone, would be the exception. She was so pretty and so _confident._ How had it gotten to her too? 

But even if it wasn't Monika's fault— even if she'd just been poisoned by the world around her, _worn down and desperately grasping for any kind of acceptance,_ it didn't make the rejection hurt any less. It just made it harder, because there wasn't one single person to be mad at. Nobody to chew out. No one person to blame.

Natsuki finished putting on her shoes and left without another word. Her upbringing hadn't equipped her with many tools, aside from hostility, for dealing with these kinds of situations, and that no longer seemed appropriate. She opted to walk home, even though it was late and kinda cold— she couldn't stop crying, and she didn't want to be seen on the bus. 

When she got back to her apartment, her flatmate Yuri and their mutual friend Sayori were watching TV together in the living room. They both knew she was planning to confess today, so they must have planned to be there, either to celebrate or console her.

"Hey Nat! How did it…" Sayori trailed off after seeing her face. Natsuki looked down at the floor. For a brief moment, footsteps could be heard rushing over, and suddenly, Natsuki found herself wrapped in a cozy hug. Soon she was sandwiched between both of her friends.

"I picked up some ice cream on the way back from lab tonight. L-let's crack it open," Yuri suggested awkwardly. Natsuki felt tears threaten to leak out once more. It was gonna be okay. She still had people who loved and accepted her, and Monika would… _probably_ still be her friend. She nodded to the notion of ice cream, and spent the rest of the night with Sayori and Yuri, thankful that she was not alone, (and just a little worried about the fact that Monika _was_ ).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I saw a video some time ago, where contrapoints talked about being rejected by a fellow trans woman with mutual feelings, and it really stuck with me. It's such a sad, confusing situation— you can't really blame someone for having preferences about their partner that might be a means toward acceptance, especially when they've been through the kinds of hostility and ostracization that your average trans person has, but it's really tragic when that gets in the way of love, or makes someone else in the same boat feel like less.  
> And of course I had to write an angsty doki story about it because I have a problem with writing angsty doki stories about everything ever


	8. Dissipate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angst level: high  
> CW: death of a pet, grieving, existentialism

When Yuri shut off the light, the brightness of the landscape outside struck her. She walked over to the window in the door and peered out. After her eyes had adjusted, it looked almost like daytime. The moonlight shone bright, casting shadows of bushes and trees upon the snow below.she couldn't see the moon, though— it's position relative to the house made it impossible from that angle.

So she unlocked the door and stepped outside, grateful for the hard-bottom slippers protecting her feet from the ice. A gust of freezing wind blew tiny snow crystals over her features. It actually felt pleasant, in a way, on her chapped nose and raw eyes. She had no idea whether it was snowing or just being blown from the nearby trees, bit it didn't matter.

The moon was brilliant. So much so that she couldn't even make out it's features— it was like staring at a light bulb as it's light blurred and glared in her vision.

She would have liked to think it was a sign. A sign that he was looking down on her. That he was at peace, shining his love upon her from heaven.

But she knew it wasn't true. As much as she  _ wanted  _ to believe in a god and an afterlife, where the chaos and injustice of the world would be answered for, she just couldn't. Belief wasn't a choice.

The animal that she'd loved for so many years had been series of electrical signals and chemical states inside of a living brain, and now that brain had gone dark. It was being carried off to a crematorium, along with the rest of the body that she'd so loved to pet and cuddle with.

He no longer existed. He was gone. Dissipated like steam into dry air. Like heat into the void of space.

The purrs that had soothed her soul…

The head bumps that had warmed her heart…

The silly antics that had made her laugh to the point of tears…

That day had been  _ only  _ tears— no laughing.

And for now, she had nothing left to cry.

Yuri took a deep breath, letting the cold air sting her skin for another few moments before she headed back inside.

Life would go on, and she had to as well, even if she felt helplessly lost without her beloved friend.

She closed her eyes and reminisced on some of thehappy memories he had given her.

It seemed her tears hadn't completely dried up after all.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, I lost one of my cats today and I wrote this little vent thing about it because I have a fucking problem and this is apparently just how I cope with things now.


	9. A Pocket Knife

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuri ran off after a particularly nasty argument with Natsuki, so Monika goes looking for her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst level: medium  
> AU: not a game  
> Shipping: n/a  
> CW: self-harm, blackmail, bullying, threats of violence, threats of rape

Monika stepped out into the hallway, and closed the door to the club room behind her with a heavy sigh. Natsuki and Yuri had fought again today. They'd both said really awful things, and it had ended with both of them, _and Sayori,_ in tears. 

It had been a few minutes since Yuri ran off, and it had fallen to Monika to track her down while her vice-president tried to comfort Natsuki in the classroom. As she made her way through the corridors, Monika could eventually hear a voice coming from an otherwise-deserted section of hallway, and soon she was close enough to make out the words of a boy.

"so unless you want the whole school to know you're a fucking _cut slut_ , you better do as I say."

_What the fuck? This sounds pretty messed up!_

Had she just walked in on a blackmail? Monika pressed herself against the wall and inched as close as she could to the corner without being seen.

"P-please, please don't. Just delete the video, _please._ I'm sorry. I'm sorry, please."

That was Yuri's voice. Someone had caught her… cutting herself? What the hell? Yuri had always seemed a little neurotic, but _that_ was another level.

_Did the fight really upset her so much that she had to run off and do that?_

"Don't worry," came the boy's voice again. "I won't send it to anyone, as long as you help me out."

"W-… what do you need?"

"Well, there's an empty classroom right here. If you let me, y'know, _have a little fun_ with you, I'll erase it."

_Whoa hold up! What the actual fuck?!? What is this, the plot of some trashy anime?!? Does this even happen in real life? Holy shit!_

Monika knew she had to step in and stop this from happening, but she found herself paralyzed. Could she overpower this guy? What if he tried to do something to her, too? She was pretty athletic, but significantly smaller than most boys, and she hadn't gotten a look at who this was.

"What?!? N-no, I-I-I can't! I..." Yuri stammered in reply.

_My phone! I can call the police or something, right? But they won't get here for several minutes. What's the school's number? Can I run to the principal's office or find a teacher in time?_

"What? Aren't you just gonna, like, _kill yourself_ or something anyway? Why does it even matter to you? Might as well have some fun."

Jesus, this guy was _despicable_. Who could say something like that??? "I bet you'll like it once I—"

" _DON'T TOUCH ME!"_ Yuri's voice shrieked desperately.

Suddenly there was a thud. "Whoa! Jesus christ!" Shouted the boy. "Get off of me— HOLY SHIT!"

What was this? Had Yuri taken the guy down? Monika stepped around the corner to help. There she saw the most reserved, timid member of her club kneeling atop the boy, and pressing a pocket knife firmly against his throat.

"Delete it. _Right f-fucking now!"_ She rasped, wearing a viscous expression. Her cheeks were still wet, but her eyes showed nothing but animosity in that moment.

"I-I'm doing it! _I'm doing it!_ Jesus, you _psycho bitch!"_ The boy's voice cracked as he screamed. He didn't sound so threatening anymore. "Th-there, it's gone! See?!? _Get off me!!!_ "

All Monika could do was watch, slack-jawed as she stood by the corner. Neither of them had noticed her.

"W-what about your iCloud? Is it backed up?!?"

"No! Look, see?!?" He shoved his phone in the girl's face. "Jesus!"

There was a moment of silence. Yuri didn't release him. She leaned in close, and growled, "If you're lying to me, and that video still exists, o-or if you tell _anybody_ about _this…_ I'll find you, and I'll gut you like a fucking fish. L-like you said, I'm just gonna kill myself anyway, right? Why does it even matter? Might _as well have some fun_."

With that, Yuri stood up. After stumbling to his feet, the boy sprinted down the hallway, blowing past Monika without so much as a word. Yuri didn't watch him go. She just stared at the floor in front of her. The knife hit the floor, clattering sounds reverberating in the hallway, as the purple-haired girl fell to her knees and burst into tears, covering her head with her arms.

Monika snapped out of her stupor and cautiously walked over to her club member. By the time she arrived, Yuri was gripping her hair near the scalp as she repeatedly bonked her forehead against the floor, muttering to herself. " _No no no. Stupid stupid. Crazy. No no no_."

It took Monika a few seconds to find her voice. "Y-... Yuri?"

The other girl yelped in surprise. Monika picked up the pocket knife and folded it as she approached, tucking it into the inner pocket of her blazer, then crouched down beside her... friend. "A-are you okay? That was… a bit wild."

_Shit, I shouldn't have let her know that I heard that exchange. Way to go, Monika, you dumbass. Ugh, too late now, I guess._

Yuri's teary eyes widened. "Y-you saw? H-how much did… d-did you…"

"Most of it," Monika said flatly. "Well… I _heard_ most of it, and came around the corner when you shouted and started wrestling with him, but you… didn't need my help after all, apparently." 

"I-I'm sorry!" She buried her face in her hands. "I'm s-sorry!"

After a few moments' hesitation, Monika decided to trust that this weeping girl wouldn't hurt her. She gently coaxed the other into an embrace, offering a shoulder to cry on. 

"It's okay Yuri. You don't need to apologize to me."

"S-something's _wrong_ with me, Monika. That boy was right— I-I'm a psychopath."

Monika sighed. "Don't say that, Yuri. It's not true. What you did was… m-maybe a little scary _,_ but not unwarranted. He was literally trying to _rape_ you. You're not crazy."

Monika was trying to convince herself just as much as Yuri that something hadn't been… _off._

But the frenzied look in her eyes and the malice in her voice and the _shapes_ in her body language… when she was holding the pocket knife against his neck… she seemed…

Monika didn't know how to ask about it.

Luckily, though, she didn't have to— Yuri spoke up on her own. "B-but… some part of me _actually_ wanted to hurt him. Like… a lot. I-I-I… wanted to see the blood… coming out of him… a-and…" she choked on a hard sob, "My thoughts were just _screaming_ for it, and my heart wouldn't stop pounding, and… God, I'm a _monster!_ This... isn't the first time I've thought about that kind of thing either. What's _wrong_ with me?!?"

Monika felt a chill run up her spine.

"Yuri… A-are you seeing a therapist?"

The girl shook her head, looking a little hurt.

Monika took a deep breath. "W-well, would you be open to the idea? Not just for that, but… well… I-I know we're not the _closest,_ but… I still think of you as a friend, and… I really don't want you to... hurt yourself."

Yuri shrank in on herself.

"There's nothing wrong with getting therapy, Yuri, I think it can help a lot. I did it before, when my cousin passed, and... it was hard to open up at first, but it made a _huge_ difference. I-I think it could help you… work through whatever it is that makes you _want_ to, uh... self harm."

The girl seemed surprised. She probably wasn't expecting to hear that Monika had been to therapy.

"It would make me feel a lot better if you went," Monika said. "I'm worried for you."

There was a long silence, before Yuri nodded. "O-okay, I'll… I'll ask my parents about it."

"Alright," Monika gave her a gentle squeeze. "I'm glad! I promise I won't tell anyone about your secret okay? And I'll never judge you for it."

_At least not externally..._

Yuri leaned in, a little tighter into the hug. "Th-thank you, Monika."

  
  



End file.
